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Chapter 3: The Advance Guard
by prozac_fidelus (prozac_fidelus)
at September 2nd, 2006 (09:58 pm)

current location: The Dark Forests of Death and Destruction
i feel...: bitchplz!
in one ear...: Brave Sir Robin- Monty Python

BITCHEZ. We are back, from our ridiculous summer of non-spork to bring you more spork. So basically, we'll be going on to chapter 3. Ready? Coolio.

Okay, one thing. I know this doesn't have to do with the movie in and of itself, but the firstt *sentence*. I've just been attacked by Dementors and I might be expelled from Hogwarts. I want to know what's going on and when I'm going to get out of here.

I think this is really the beginning of the egotistical, total jackass Harry that we see through the fifth book. I mean, yeah, writing to your friends is cool, especially when you've just gone through something totally scarring and weirdly random as a Dementor attack in a thoroughly Muggle area, but still. He's also writing to Sirius. Who he hasn't heard from in a while. Who may have very well been recaptured, or been living in hiding somewhere, or be in danger or something...and HARRY DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. Excuse my capslock of rage, but still. Harry, please care about other people once in a while. It would really improve your whole boy-who-lived thing.

Oh, and then we see Harry kick his school trunk to relieve his emo wangst, and instead end up hurting himself. Nicely done, HP. Oh, oh, and then he snarles at his owl. Fo'realz, look: "About time!" Harry snarled, as [Hedwig] landed lightly on top of her cage.

I feel like maybe Harry's anger will be a bit of a stumbling block for Radcliffe this coming movie. I mean, we've already established the whole "Dan can't act" thing, but this is ridiculous. He's going to seem either bipolar, or bizzarely apathetic. Either way, this bodes badly for the movie.

Ummmm, yeah, so Harry bids Hedwig to be off, and inflict large amounts of physical pain on his friends and godfather, because HAWWY ANG-EE. Fuck'im. Then not much happens, except JK reiterating OVER AND OVER AGAIN that Harry's nervous about the hearing. Yes. We get it. Thanks, JK.

Now I have a bit of a question about this whole Guard Picking Up Harry in a Vaguely Heroic, Vaguely Idiotic "Rescue" Attempt thing. Do they realize that they'll be intruding into Harry's house, giving him no warning or anything beforehand? I mean, they're deffs kinda putting themselves in danger, no? We see Harry pick up his wand, we see Harry think that maybe there are burglars in the house. There's a realistic danger of them *getting hurt*, isn't there?

I mean, I'm not nitpicking or anything, but vraiment? You couldn't have just sent an owl beforehand just saying "We're coming to pick you up, Harrizzle?" OR SOMETHING?! Whatever.

Okay, different note? Moody's re-appearance is totally awesome. He's just cool. Now, JK sets us up for what is to be the biggest set of introductions this book. First though, she has to re-introduce Lupin. JK, you need to be more original here. I don't think I've ever read about Lupin without seeing the word "shabby" like a sentence away. It's the same deal with Aurors always being "bearded and grim-faced". It's just repetitive and annoying.

So now we've got Tonks, who (to me) gives me the impression of being a kinda punk throwback, and Kingsely, who seems James Earl Jones-ish AND WHO SHOULD TOTALLY BE PLAYED BY SAMUEL L JACKSON PLZ, and Dedalus Diggle and Elphias Dodge, who I can't see being too important.

Then we have a bit of exposition, but not before "[...]It'd be a nice lookout if we bring back some Death Eater impersonating him"

Actually, that would be SO FREAKING COOL. Seriously, wouldn't that be a really funky change to the somewhat formulaic beginnings that all the books have had up til now? He shows up at the Burrow or where-ever, and then transforms into like...Lucius Malfoy and goes on a killing spree? That would be cool, Mad-Eye.

Finally, Lupin exposits that we won't be travelling to the Burrow this time around. I just hate Lupin, so I'm going to kinda ignore him where ever possible. But anyway. The point of the OOtP is to protect Harry, among other things, oui? So why does this happen, JK?:

"How're we getting -- wherever we're going?" Harry asked.

"Brooms," said Lupin. "Only way. You're too young to Apparate, they'll be watching the Floo network and it's more than our life's work to set up an unauthorised Portkey."

There are two things wrong with this statement. One: What about side-along Apparition? It would be a hell of a lot less dangerous than flying over England in a pack of brooms, and a lot faster as well. We've been told Apparition isn't reliable over long distances as well, (in HBP, I think?), but I hardly think that from Little Whingeing to London is considered a long distance?

Two, the fact that yes, it would be pretty dumb to set up an unauthorised Portkey, but what about an authorised one? The Ministry still believes Harry is the "chosen one", even though they're pretty annoyed with his stupidity right now. They still need to protect him barring that, don't they? So couldn't one of the Order members just be like "we're transporting Harry Potter somewhere safe and need a quick and easy way to do it."? I guess I just over-estimate the ethical-ness and legalities of the Ministry or something.

...Or JK desperately wanted to include the bit about better wizards than Harry losing buttocks by putting wands in waistbands. Either or.

Right, so long story short, they fly in a complicated formation for a while, Harry is really cold, Tonks says "ARE YOU MAD, MAD-EYE?", which is extremely comical, and then they land. AND THEN?

"The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix can be found at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, London."

Grim, old place. Nice one, JK. But seriously, COOL. I'm excited for the flyin sequence in the movie. I have this mental picture of a bunch of wizards in formation in the black night sky, maybe with some rain to make it more dramatic, and cloaks flying everywhere, and Tonks' crazy hair being whipped around and just general coolness. This obviously means I'll be disappointed, especially if Tonks' hair really looks like This.

Please, please cut her hair and dye it pink. Please?

Til next Spork!



Posted by: very much alive (iamsupernova)
Posted at: September 3rd, 2006 04:15 pm (UTC)
POTC // capn jack

Oh, and Moolie dearest, I just want you to know that I should definitely do a Snakes on a Cane vs Snapes on a Plane art-spork. Kthxbai.

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